Humor
A Southerner Moves Up North

Dec 20 - 6:00 pm. It's starting to snow. The first of the season, the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful.

Dec 24 - We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later a city snow plow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compact snow from the street. the driver smiled and waved; I waved back and shoveled it again.

Dec 26 - It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish-grey.

Jan 1 - Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both the car and the truck. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145 to the chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

Jan 5 - Still cold. Sold the wife’s car and bought a 4x4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarterpanel. Had another 8" of the white shit last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. The goddamn snowplow came by twice today.

Jan 9 - 2 degrees outside. More fucking snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn’t been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows... Truck slid on ice on the way to the emergency room and was nearly totaled.

Jan 13 - Goddamn mother-fuckin’ white shit keeps coming down! Have put on all the clothes we own to get to the fuckin’ mailbox. If I ever catch that son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow, I’ll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street at 100 mph to bury our driveway again...

Jan 17 - 16 Goddamn more fuckin’ inches of fuckin’ snow and ice and God knows what other kind of white shit fell last night. I wounded the fuckin’ snowplow driver with an ice axe, but he got away. Wife left me. Truck won’t start I think I’m going snow-blind. I can’t move my toes. Haven’t seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Wind chill 42 fuckin’ degrees below.

I'M MOVING BACK TO TEXAS!

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Updated 22 May 1997