Humor
The Darwin Awards
About the Darwin Awards:
You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who attached a jet engine (JATO) unit to his car and crashed into a cliff several hundred feet above the road. (This has been downgraded to a folk legend.)
1997 Darwin Award:
Up, Up, and Away!
And now, the 1997 winner: Larry Waters of Los Angeles - one of the few Darwin winners to survive his award-winning accomplishment. Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.

One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to the local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated, would measure more than four feet across. Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was still only a few feet above the ground. Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six-pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun-figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to descend-and went back to the floating lawn chair. He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and provisions. Larry's plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his back yard after severing the anchor and in a few hours come back down. Things didn't quite work out that way. When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead he streaked into the LA sky as if shot from a cannon. He didn't level of at 30 feet, nor did he level off at100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 11,000 feet. At that height he couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed there, drifting, cold and frightened, for more than 14 hours. Then he really got in trouble. He found himself drifting into the primary approach corridor of Los Angeles International Airport. A United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport.

LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was dispatched to investigate. LAX is right on the ocean. Night was falling and the offshore breeze began to flow. It carried Larry out to sea with the helicopter in hot pursuit. Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they neared. Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was hauled back to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by the helicopter crew. As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting members of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace. As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue asked why he had done it. Larry stopped, turned and replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around." Let's hear it for Larry Waters, the 1997 Darwin Award Winner.
1996 Darwin Award (formerly):
Not quite Wiley Coyote...

The JATO/Impala Story

This former front-runner was the mystery owner of a jet-propelled Chevy Impala. The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the crest of a curve. The wreckage resembled that of an airplane crash, but it was a car--make and model unidentifiable at the scene.

A lab figured out the story. It seems the driver had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off--actually a solid fuel rocket) that's used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" taking off from short airfields.

He drove his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the jet device. The cops calculate that the driver of the car...hit JATO ignition at a distance of about 3 miles from the crash site. Ashphalt was scorched and melted there.

Reaching maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds, the driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the rest of the event.

The individual remained on the highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface.

The car became airborne for an additional 1.4 miles, before impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet and leaving a black crater three feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

(This story has now proven to be a Net Myth.)

Darwin Award Nominees:

Wrong Tool:
[San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
...Guns Don't Kill People...
[Hickory Daily Record, 12-21-92] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N. C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
More Guns...
[News of the Weird, 18 May 93, San Jose Mercury News] A 24-year-old salesman from Hialeah, Fla., was killed near Lantana, Fla., in March when his car smashed into a pole in the median strip of Interstate 95 in the middle of the afternoon. Police said that the man was traveling at 80 MPH and, judging by the sales manual that was found open and clutched to his chest, had been busy reading.
Con-FUSE-ion
[San Jose Mercury News] An Anniston, Alabama man was injured recently after he attempted to replace a tube-like fuse in his Chevy pickup with a 22-caliber rifle bullet (used because it was a perfect fit). However, when electricity heated the bullet, it went off and shot him in the knee.
He Passed... On
[Unknown, 25 March 1993] A Vapid Death
A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple other things). It was just the right combination of foods.

It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows opened it wouldn't have been fatal but the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was "...a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas].'' Three of the rescue workers got sick and one was hospitalized.
Deadly Bird Feeder
[Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death.

A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday.

Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police.

"It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said. "It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected."
Safety Last...
[UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death.

A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students.

Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was ``one of the best and brightest'' members of the 200-man association.
Chicken, Well Done...
[AP, Cairo, Egypt, 31 Aug 1995] CAIRO, Egypt (AP) Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt.

An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said.

His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled down by the same undercurrent.

The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo.

The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.
Costly Suntan
[Times of London] A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when he tried to get a suntan.

After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctors' paging devices, the thief spotted a vertical sunbed. He walked into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan.

However, the high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burns victims, has a maximum dosage of ten seconds. After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum time the man was covered in blisters.

Hours later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles away,in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called the police.

Southampton police said: "This man broke into Odstock and decided he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is going to be scarred for life."
See the Light
[News of the Weird, 16 Apr 1997] Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, Calif. as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the large flashlight he had palced in his mouth (to keep his hands free) crammed against the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Can't Keep a Good Fish Down
[9 Apr 1997, Bayou Vista, La] Steven Hill Epperson, 36, popped a friend's 6-inch tropical fish into his mouth as a joke Sunday and died when it got stuck in his throat. The Jack Dempsey fish became wedged in Epperson's airway, said Dr. F.H. Metz, coroner for St. Mary Parish.
Death Row Pardons, Two Minutes Too Late... Isn't it Ironic?
[News of the Weird, 17 Jan 1997] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously in 1989. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. In March 1989, sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. On January 1, 1997, Laurence Baker, also a convicted murderer once on death row but later serving a life sentence at the state prison in Pittsburgh, Pa., was electrocuted by his homemade earphones as he watched his small TV while sitting on his metal toilet.
Lost his head over a lost hat...
[AP, Slidell, LA., January 1997] A man who opened his car door and sped backward to look for his hat fell out onto his head and died.

Jason Jinks, 20, of Bay St. Louis, Miss., died of his injuries Wednesday, three days after the accident.

Jinks was driving when his hat flew out the window. A 14-year-old boy who was in the back seat told sheriff's deputies that Jinks stopped, put the car in reverse and backed up at 25 to 30 mph in the dark with the door open.

He fell out after he hit the brakes.

The boy and a girl who was also in the back seat said Jinks had been drinking whiskey and taking pills.
Zoned Out
[News of the Weird, 28 Dec 1996] In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off of a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
Revenge of the Cacti
[Playboy] Some guy liked to go out into the desert with a shotgun and several cases of beer. His practice was to shoot at the base of the saguaro cactus until they fell over.

When he didn't return the next day a search party was sent out. They found him crushed by one of the cacti he had toppled.
How Shocking
[Fort Worth Star-Telegram, 1 Jan 1993] In December near Mineral Wells, Tex., three men who were attempting to steal copper wire off live electrical lines for resale were electrocuted. Copper wiring is a valuable scrap metal in Texas, but it is usually stolen from electric cables that are not in use.
And You Thought Car Phones Were Dangerous...
[News of the Weird, 18 May 1993, San Jose Mercury News] A 24-year-old salesman from Hialeah, Fla., was killed near Lantana, Fla., in March when his car smashed into a pole in the median strip of Interstate 95 in the middle of the afternoon. Police said that the man was traveling at 80 MPH and, judging by the sales manual that was found open and clutched to his chest, had been busy reading.
Fried Fish
[Reuters, Warsaw, Poland, 5 May 1995] A poacher electrocuting fish in a lake in central Poland fell into the water and suffered the same fate as his quarry, police said Thursday.

The 24-year-old man was one of four who went fishing with a cable, one end of which they attached to a net and the other to a high-voltage electricity supply line, the PAP news agency quoted a police official in Wloclawek as saying. "For a while everything went according to the poachers' plan and they had fish in their bags. But at a certain moment the man holding the net tripped and fell into the water," the agency said. The other poachers tried in vain to revive him, it said.
Weiner of Death
[AP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it.

Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
How Not to fix Your Truck
It only rattled when he listened ...

James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type dump truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns's clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
No Pain, No Gain... (Dumbells)
[AP, 10 November 1996] Four bodybuilders from Massapequa Park, N.Y., couldn't get steroids to help them bulk up, so they decided to make their own using a recipe from the "Underground Steroid Handbook".

"They were supposed to let it sit for a while until it reached a certain pH level," a Nassau County police spokesman said. "But they did not wait. At the level they drank it, it was like drinking lye."

Police officers responding to the scene found the fumes so strong they had to be treated for chemical inhalation. One of the barbellers is in "very critical condition" and another is in "critical but stable" condition.
Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party
[Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA] A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday.

Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.

``Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it,'' Payne said. ``It wouldn't go off and this guy said, `I'll show you how to set it off.'

``He put it in his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth off, his tongue and his lips,'' Payne said.

Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division.

``I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that,'' Payne said.
Lucky Shot
[UPI, Portland, OR] Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital.

Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore.

A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts would have died instantly.

Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skill, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.

Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself.

Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, ``I feel so dumb about this.''

No charges have been filed but the Josephine Coudistrict attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
Thrifty Camper Picks Shocking Place to Pitch Tent
[Times of London, September 1996] A CAMPER survived a 33,000 volt shock when he pitched his tent inside an electricity sub-station after deciding to save money by not using a nearby campsite.

The holidaymaker, aged 23, ignored the danger signs and scaled a pair of 9ft high spiked fences to get into the site near Norwich at night. It seems he suffered a massive shock while lifting his metal tent pole, which probably touched high voltage equipment in the darkness. The alarm was raised by a passerby who saw a flash and heard the man cry out. An ambulance crew had to wait for firemen to release him. The camper, whom police will not identify, suffered burns to his hands and was sent to the Norfolk and Norwich Hospital.

David Betteridge, spokesman for Eastern Electricity, said: "This man is extremely lucky to be alive. To escape with only minor burns is extraordinarily fortunate. Sub-stations are extremely dangerous. It is difficult to imagine a more unsuitable place to put up a tent for the night."

The spokesman added: "He could have got a shock just from moving his pole too close to some of the electrical gear. It need not necessarily have touched it. It is possible his life was saved by his tent pole touching the ground so much of the voltage was earthed."

A Norfolk police spokesman said: "This man has been told in no uncertain terms that he should not have been in the sub-station."

Darwin Fakes

The Guys, The Dog, And The Grand Cherokee
Michigan, USA.

Guy buys brand new Grand Cherokee for 30 some thousand dollars and has 400+ dollar monthly payments. He immediately gets ahold of his friend and they go do some male bonding. They go duck hunting, and of course all the lakes are frozen.

These 2 Atomic Brains go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Remember, it's all ice and in order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck wants to fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than a ice hole drill.

Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40 second fuse.

Now these 2 Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly going up in smoke with the resulting blast. So, they decide to light this 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite which is what they end up doing.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG ????

Yes, the dog. A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and gets the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the time it hits the ice all to the woes of the 2 idiots yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the hell to do now.

The dog, well, it is happy and heads back from where it came from moments before, with the stick of dynamite, only to the mounting woes of the 2 bozo's now really waving their arms, yelling even louder and jumping to new heights than ever before.

Now one of the guys decides to think, something that he has never done before this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab on its appointed rounds. Dog stops for a moment, slightly confused and continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused & of course scared, thinking these 2 Nobel Prize winners have gone insane and takes off to find cover, with the now really short fuse burning on this stick of dynamite.

The cover the dogs finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee 30, some thousand dollar, 400+ monthly payment vehicle sitting on the lake ice.

BOOM!

The dog dies, and it and the brand new $30,000+ Grand Cherokee, sink to the bottom of the lake leaving the 2 candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company which tells him that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He had yet to make the first of those 400+ a month payments.

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Updated 21 May 1997