Humor
Tall Tales - The Dark Sucker Theory

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted a substance or energy called light. Recent information, however, has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light - they suck dark. Thus we call these bulbs dark suckers. In addition to proving this fact, the Dark Sucker Theory also presents a number of other basic theorems concerning the properties of dark. For example, the speed of dark is greater than that of light, and dark has greater mass than light.

The basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark suckers, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick on an operating candle, the tip will turn black, because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these dark suckers have a very limited range. There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these units can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again. If you break open one of these filled canisters, one will see that there is indeed a great quantity of stored dark on the inside.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass passing through another mass will generate a certain amount of heat. It is commonly known that an operating dark sucker generates heat. The dark suckers with the greatest capacities force the dark to travel through the impeding mediums at greater rates of speed, so they develop greater amounts of heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch a operating dark sucker. Candles present a special problem. Though the light does not have to travel through a solid substance like the glass forming an electric bulb, the dark must travel into the solid wick, instead of a void as is found inside of the bulb. As we all know, this process generates a great amount of heat. In fact, flammable items which come into contact with an operating candle will be set on fire because of the amount of heat generated. Thus, it can be even more dangerous to touch a operating candle.

Further proof of dark's mass is illustrated by the smoke generated by inefficient or extinguished candles. The intermediate state of dark during its destruction is a visible soot or smoke. Once again, casual observers will attempt to refute the mass of darkness since smoke generally rises. The same physical laws which allow clouds to float, when water is heavier than air, cause smoke to rise. In an uncleaned area, it is easy to note the "rain" of soot which accumulates on surfaces.

Though many are not aware of the incredible technology behind candles, they illustrate another one of the many characteristics of dark. Consider the fact that dark suckers absorb and store light. At first glance, it may seem that this fact is a childish myth since an operating candle eventually diminishes to nothing. Proponents of this argument fail to realize that the candle is actually destroying the dark which it sucks! Why then, does a room full of dark not become empty of dark after a while? Simple, dark is capable of regenerating itself. It is important to note that the speed of regeneration is proportional to the volume of dark already present. For example, in a closet where the volume is small, the candle will be able to suck dark faster than the dark reproduces itself. In a huge cavern, however, a candle will not be able to keep up, thus we need dark suckers with greater capacities when we use them in large spaces.

Further support for the destruction of dark is illustrated by the previous reference to dark storage units. Though most inexpensive storage units will get full, and therefore become useless, the higher priced ones can be attached to a charger which empties the canister by destroying the dark inside. The canister is then able to be used again.

Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim just below the surface of a lake, you will see a lot of light. As you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. This immense power of dark can be utilized to man's advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which generate electricity and help push dark to the oceans, where it can be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers and lakes to the oceans. The Indians recognized this problem and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe, traveling the same direction as the flow of dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark; but when they traveled against the dark, they paddled quickly, so as to help push the dark along its way.

Finally, we can and must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed dark closet then slowly open the closed door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet; but since the dark is so fast you are not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

In conclusion, I would like to say that dark suckers make all our lives much easier. So, the next time you look at an electric bulb, remember that it is a indeed a dark sucker.

CREDITS:
The following was copied from the AMA National Newsletter, Dec. 1989, who copied it from the AMES Sundusters club newsletter, Denny Goodrich, Editor, Ames IA. Author unknown.
This document was forwarded to a reputable university in Longview, TX, by a noted dark scholar from Kilgore, TX. We thank John Niesner for forwarding the current pool of knowledge to us so we could research and expand the theory to a more credible position. Certain issues not addressed in the original theory have been added by university staff. Additionally, further research has found further proofs supporting the original thesis, and has been included also.

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Updated 22 May 1997