Humor
Advice for
the Young Bride
The following is a reprint from The Madison Institute
Newsletter, Fall Issue, 1894:
INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE on the Conduct and
Procedure of the Intimate and Personal Relationships of the
Marriage State for the Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this Blessed
Sacrament and the Glory of God by Ruth Smythers beloved wife of
The Reverend L.D. Smythers, Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist
Church of the Eastern Regional Conference Published in the year
of our Lord 1894 Spiritual Guidance Press, New York City
INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE
To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper
upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and
most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is
the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction
in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in
securing ·a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of
her life. On the negative side, there is the wedding night,
during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing
for the first time the terrible experience of sex.
At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth.
Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal
with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish
and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride.
One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE
LITTLE, ·GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise
what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of
sexual lust.
On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While
sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to
be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time,
and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children
produced through it. It is useless, in most cases, for the bride
to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual initiation. While
the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only
at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring,
such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the
average man.
Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The
wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences
weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she
should >make every effort to reduce this frequency.
Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's
best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and
bickering also prove very effective, if used in the late evening
about an hour before the husband would normally commence his
seduction.
Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of
denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A
good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a
week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month
by the end of the fifth year of marriage.
By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete
their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of
terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. By this time
she can depend upon his love for the children and social
pressures to hold the husband in the home.
Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as
low as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to
limiting the kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by
nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage
in quite a variety of the most revolting practices. These
practices include among others performing the normal act in
abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering their
own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.
Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing
photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the
obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted.
A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to
see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his
unclothed body to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should
be practiced only in total darkness. Many women have found it
useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves and pajamas
for their husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms.
They need not be removed during the sex act. Thus, a minimum of
flesh is exposed.
Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights,
she should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he
comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him
in her direction, Zest he take this as a sign of encouragement.
She should let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope
that he will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can
use as an excuse to deny him sexual access.
When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible.
Bodily motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual
excitement by the optimistic husband.
If he attempts to kiss her on the Zips she should turn her head
slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead.
If he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he
lifts her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should
quickly pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and
announce that nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally
dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden territory.
If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the
wise wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question
to ask him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation
going, no matter how frivolous it may seem at the time.
Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having
sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous
embellishment. The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up
no farther than the waist, and only permit him to open the front
of his pajamas to thus make connection.
She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while
his huffing and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly
still and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the
act is in progress. As soon as the husband has completed the act,
the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks
she wishes him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major
portion of their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion
immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that
there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he
might be encouraged to soon try for more.
One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the
fact that the husband's home, school, church, and social
environment have been working together all through his life to
instill in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual
feelings, so that he comes to the marriage couch apologetically
and filled with shame, already half cowed and subdued. The wise
wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal
first to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband's
desire for sexual expression.
copyright 1894 - The Madison Institute.
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Updated 21 May 1997