Humor
Scientists Discover New Element,
Christen it "Administratium"

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium (Ad), has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 70 vice assistant neutrons, and 161 associate vice assistant neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 247. These 247 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium added to one reaction caused it to take over four days to complete. Without Administratium, the reaction ordinarily occurred in less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice assistant neutrons, and associate vice neutrons exchange places. Studies seem to show the atomic number actually increases after each reorganization.

Research indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate in certain locations such as government agencies, large corporations and universities. It can be found in the newest, best-appointed and best-maintained buildings.

Scientists warn that Administratium is known to be toxic, and recommend plenty of fluids and rest even after low levels of exposure.

Scientists warn that Administratium is known to be toxic, and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to minimize damage, but the results are so far not promising.

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Updated 22 May 1997